First few days of school was really non-motivational for me. It was just like dragging myself out of bed almost everyday. This time the location of each module were not only scattered everywhere, but the lesson times were all different as well. Instead of getting more 9.45 lessons... I went back to the times when I had to wake up so early to get all ready for 8.30 lesson during year one. Yes, not to mention about our more challenging modules -we still have punctuality to deal with.
I was like caught up in all the competition stuff since the middle of year two semester one, even during the holidays it was a craze. Now, it's like getting worst each round we are qualified for, we are tasked to do much more assignments and presentations with many other preparations needed to be done to ensure that we are ready for the finals.
I haven't had proper sleep at all these few days. If I didn't remember it wrongly, I only had a total of 12 hours of sleep for the past consecutive 3 days.
3.30am is the time where I will always head to bed with brain dead cells, numb fingers and cold feet after long hours in my aircon room looking at how things should be done. I was even told yesterday that I had to go down to town for some presentation this Saturday before noon. So.. tell me, how can I even get enough time to replenish my sleep? Even the most precious time of the week is now being taken.
Finished school today and hung out with my dearest peeps at cwp until Mom arrive. Then we walked around until Dad arrive, so that we could all proceed to Manhattan for din. Some vouchers were the main reason why my parents would even agree to eat at such a location. I just wanted to spend some quality time with them.. but as usual Mom wasn't satisfied with the standard and Dad was like only thinking about prawning after din. Doesn't seem that satisfying to them either, probably the food wasn't value for money. But it just feels so moody to look at my parents having such expressions after their meals and complaining so much about what they ate. I just feel sometimes, we shouldn't keep whining over things that have been done. Just experience it and if it doesn't meet your expectations, let it be the first and the last. I don't find the need to hear so much of the unpleasant stuff. Especially when I worked so hard and I feel extremely tired, I can't imagine myself eating with faces of disappointment in front of me and they were literally all frowning and the atmosphere sucked. Even the simplest meal could be the best time spent together, it doesn't need to be quality food. I just want the happy atmosphere. Sad to say, but I know it myself that 90% of my life were spent observing and looking at how my family frown, nag, quarrel, complaining... and never contented with things they have in life. I just don't feel the happiness... and I don't understand why they can't be more optimistic about things. Just such a little request, is it so demanding for me to ask for? That small little achievement could just be the best thing ever at this period of time, it would really bring me joy and happiness, lifting my spirits, making me look forward to every single day. But I guess, it will never happen. I hardly see my parents smile.
Well, I guess I always try to smile at others in school or make an effort to look all happy to at least make myself feel that I'm worry-free and all. Maybe it's deep down under that is hinting me, I wasn't actually feeling that happy. I'm feeling really really moody these days and I don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes, I just thought of seeing the psychiatrist and talk to them about my troubles and worries, they are probably the best listening ear I could have at this point of time... It really frightens me, the way I react to certain things at times. When I reflect back on my behaviour, I really think it is not totally impossible that I may have mild depression. It sounds totally crazy I know. But I just feel that way... On and off since young.
Hahaha, alright. I'm done with writing my thoughts down.
Gonna bathe and work on my reflection journal.
:)
I was like caught up in all the competition stuff since the middle of year two semester one, even during the holidays it was a craze. Now, it's like getting worst each round we are qualified for, we are tasked to do much more assignments and presentations with many other preparations needed to be done to ensure that we are ready for the finals.
I haven't had proper sleep at all these few days. If I didn't remember it wrongly, I only had a total of 12 hours of sleep for the past consecutive 3 days.
3.30am is the time where I will always head to bed with brain dead cells, numb fingers and cold feet after long hours in my aircon room looking at how things should be done. I was even told yesterday that I had to go down to town for some presentation this Saturday before noon. So.. tell me, how can I even get enough time to replenish my sleep? Even the most precious time of the week is now being taken.
Finished school today and hung out with my dearest peeps at cwp until Mom arrive. Then we walked around until Dad arrive, so that we could all proceed to Manhattan for din. Some vouchers were the main reason why my parents would even agree to eat at such a location. I just wanted to spend some quality time with them.. but as usual Mom wasn't satisfied with the standard and Dad was like only thinking about prawning after din. Doesn't seem that satisfying to them either, probably the food wasn't value for money. But it just feels so moody to look at my parents having such expressions after their meals and complaining so much about what they ate. I just feel sometimes, we shouldn't keep whining over things that have been done. Just experience it and if it doesn't meet your expectations, let it be the first and the last. I don't find the need to hear so much of the unpleasant stuff. Especially when I worked so hard and I feel extremely tired, I can't imagine myself eating with faces of disappointment in front of me and they were literally all frowning and the atmosphere sucked. Even the simplest meal could be the best time spent together, it doesn't need to be quality food. I just want the happy atmosphere. Sad to say, but I know it myself that 90% of my life were spent observing and looking at how my family frown, nag, quarrel, complaining... and never contented with things they have in life. I just don't feel the happiness... and I don't understand why they can't be more optimistic about things. Just such a little request, is it so demanding for me to ask for? That small little achievement could just be the best thing ever at this period of time, it would really bring me joy and happiness, lifting my spirits, making me look forward to every single day. But I guess, it will never happen. I hardly see my parents smile.
Well, I guess I always try to smile at others in school or make an effort to look all happy to at least make myself feel that I'm worry-free and all. Maybe it's deep down under that is hinting me, I wasn't actually feeling that happy. I'm feeling really really moody these days and I don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes, I just thought of seeing the psychiatrist and talk to them about my troubles and worries, they are probably the best listening ear I could have at this point of time... It really frightens me, the way I react to certain things at times. When I reflect back on my behaviour, I really think it is not totally impossible that I may have mild depression. It sounds totally crazy I know. But I just feel that way... On and off since young.
Hahaha, alright. I'm done with writing my thoughts down.
Gonna bathe and work on my reflection journal.
:)
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